January, February, and March would be good months to stay in your cabin. The Earth’s environment was chaotic. Earth cools while mountains and oceans form.
Life would spring forth on April Fool’s Day as single-celled organisms would be form in the warm coastal waters and thermal vents.
In early May Trilobites (hard shelled creatures) would start feeding on all the multi-cellular life. By the end of the month, small vertebrates would start feeding on the Trilobites.
Half the year would go by and still no life on the land.
Finally, around the middle of July, very slowly, the first plants would gain a precarious foothold on land
In August the seas are crowded with fish. A few claustrophobic ones develop crude lungs, call themselves amphibians, and get timeshares on the land.
September insects show up. By the end of the month, dinosaurs start to stomp around and will continue stomping for 150 million years.
In October the Appalachian mountain range starts to rise and will be far higher than any other mountain range in the USA today.
In December you’d see the rapid proliferation of mammals.
The sun would rise on December 31 and still no sign of humans.
Finally, around noon, somewhere in Africa, the first clumsy hominids would stand up.
With one hour to go before the year ends, the Neanderthal shows up to the primate party
At 23:30 the French start showing off their artistic talent: Cro-Magnon man draws cool paintings in some caves.
At 23:45 homo sapiens figure out how to make weapons of mass destruction: sharp knives and spears.
Around 23:55 civilization begins. Prostitution shortly follows. Egyptians, Babylonians, Greeks, and Romans each spend a minute building touristy buildings. At 23:58 and 43 seconds, Jesus tells everyone to behave. We kill him a nanosecond later.
With just 20 seconds to go before the year draws to a close, Columbus bumps into America. Dick Clark is born and starts making a living counting down the seconds to the New Year. “Just 7 seconds to go!” announces Dick, and Americans sign the Declaration of Independence. In the final 7 seconds we finally arrive at the crown jewel of billion of years of evolution: Megan Fox.