A Reminder for All of Us

Many years ago there was a commercial that made the late night rounds back in Boston that was one of my favorites.  Sy Sperling’s Hair Club for Men.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuRLGdGnqSU

The commercial was awesome for several reasons:

  1. It was incredibly cheesy and always brought a laugh
  2. It almost always aired after midnight and served as a reminder for hard drinkers to go to bed
  3. Sy was commendably candid

In the commercial Sy reminded us that he didn’t just peddle gimmicky hair products for balding men but also that he was similarly a victim of premature balding.  In other words, he suffered right along with you.  He was one of us.

I was reminded of that the other day as I struggled during the last few weeks to demonstrate integrity and respectful communication during some trying times here in Northern California.  I have dedicated my professional life to teaching respectful and effective communication and founded my company on these principles. But like Sy Sperling, I suffer right along with you, “I am not only the President, I am also a client.”

However, all is not lost.  A great mentor of mine, Mr. Joe Takash of Victory Consulting, once taught me that great relationships are not built – they are rebuilt over time, again and again.  We are human and so we are destined to disappoint and let ourselves and others down, it is part of the human condition.  However, these breakdowns are mere opportunities to rebuild the relationship and create a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

So if you have failed to live up to the standards of another human in a current relationship recently that’s ok.  You have the chance to get up off the mat, shed your cumbersome concerns about being right or defending yourself and reach out to rebuild the relationship from a place of sincere caring.  I promise you that if you can do this you will be ushering in  new and more powerful possibilities for the relationship.

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Happiness Formula?

From the WSJ’s advice column –

Is this column the best use of your time? For that matter, how should one decide how best to use one’s time, especially leisure time? ‪—Paul

The way we spend our time, much like the way we spend our money, is mostly a question of opportunity cost. If you spend an hour reading, that’s an hour that you can’t spend training for a marathon.

People vary somewhat in what makes them happy, but the longevity expert Dan Buettner has found some general lessons. His research shows that the world’s happiest people, in an average day, spend less than 30 minutes watching TV, devote just 30 to 60 minutes to social media, listen to music for at least two hours and get six to nine hours of sleep. They also volunteer two to four hours a week, practice relaxation techniques, take at least four weeks of vacation a year, read a book at least every other month, engage in sexual activity (the more, the merrier, Mr. Buettner says), and have close friends who are racially and ethnically diverse.

All that may be too much of a lifestyle change for you, but try picking a few of the elements that seem simplest to implement—and over time, try to take on more.

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Earth’s History Compressed in One Year

January, February, and March would be good months to stay in your cabin. The Earth’s environment was chaotic. Earth cools while mountains and oceans form.

Life would spring forth on April Fool’s Day as single-celled organisms would be form in the warm coastal waters and thermal vents.

In early May Trilobites (hard shelled creatures) would start feeding on all the multi-cellular life. By the end of the month, small vertebrates would start feeding on the Trilobites.

Half the year would go by and still no life on the land.

Finally, around the middle of July, very slowly, the first plants would gain a precarious foothold on land

In August the seas are crowded with fish. A few claustrophobic ones develop crude lungs, call themselves amphibians, and get timeshares on the land.

September insects show up. By the end of the month, dinosaurs start to stomp around and will continue stomping for 150 million years.

In October the Appalachian mountain range starts to rise and will be far higher than any other mountain range in the USA today.

In December you’d see the rapid proliferation of mammals.

The sun would rise on December 31 and still no sign of humans.

Finally, around noon, somewhere in Africa, the first clumsy hominids would stand up.

With one hour to go before the year ends, the Neanderthal shows up to the primate party

At 23:30 the French start showing off their artistic talent: Cro-Magnon man draws cool paintings in some caves.

At 23:45 homo sapiens figure out how to make weapons of mass destruction: sharp knives and spears.

Around 23:55 civilization begins. Prostitution shortly follows. Egyptians, Babylonians, Greeks, and Romans each spend a minute building touristy buildings. At 23:58 and 43 seconds, Jesus tells everyone to behave. We kill him a nanosecond later.

With just 20 seconds to go before the year draws to a close, Columbus bumps into America. Dick Clark is born and starts making a living counting down the seconds to the New Year. “Just 7 seconds to go!” announces Dick, and Americans sign the Declaration of Independence. In the final 7 seconds we finally arrive at the crown jewel of billion of years of evolution: Megan Fox.

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Coaching in the New Year

What better way to start off the new year than with a shameless plug.  But I think there are too many people banging their heads against the wall trying to improve some facet of their life when it doesn’t have to be that way.  Or worse, they have resigned themselves to their fate and have decided to settle for the status quo.  Since January is one of those months when we can get our hopes up (and motivation) I thought it would be an appropriate month for a motivational deal.

I am offering a 50% off sale for the month of January for personalized motivation coaching ($150)

It is that time of year when many of us dedicate ourselves to taking on an important commitment towards changing a behavior for the purpose of improving the overall quality of our life.  To help those that are serious about finally stepping up and making that change I am offering a quick start program for January at 50% of my monthly rates.

Over the years I have helped people with the following:

  • Improving a significant relationship
  • Quitting bad habits
  • Starting healthy behaviors (exercise and diet)
  • Adding new and successful behaviors on the job
  • Writing a book
  • Making a tough decisions and taking action
  • Handling difficult conversations
  • Improving family relationships
  • Motivating difficult teens
  • Job changes and finding work

January Coaching Special – $150 for a full month of coaching in January (that’s 50% off my normal monthly rate)

The Coaching Package includes:

  • Weekly scheduled 45 minute phone sessions
  • Unlimited anytime calls for “just-in-time-coaching”
  • Unlimited email support
  • Access to articles and information on the latest motivational theories and practice
  • State of the art behavioral assessments
  • A free month of attendance in my weekly virtual accountability groups

Testimonials:

Tim Hoyle’s coaching helped me find the confidence and self-knowledge to realize that the job I had was not working for me and the courage to find a new job where I could thrive. After taking his assessment, Tim provided me with a debrief where I received the most insightful feedback I have ever had. Every conversation I had with Tim gave me the advice and practical applications to help navigate through a difficult job situation and an action plan to keep me focused on moving forward with my best interest in mind. I now have tools to take with me throughout life that will help me reach my greatest potential in my career. Through Tim’s care, attention, and constructive feedback I attained my very own keys to success catered to my personality and its abilities. I got a new job and feel optimistic about the future.   Mary S in San Rafael

In my 30+ years of working in the professional world I have never received greater benefit than the coaching I had with Tim.  I would recommend Tim’s coaching to anyone who has struggled over the years with trying to make a lasting change in their behavior. His program is truly life changing.               Dan B in San Francisco

 

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Practical Advice

I spent the week with the family traveling hither and yon for Thanksgiving and here is the advice I leave you with – THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING!!!!

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Conflict Resolution

In the wake of our recent election I thought it might be worth sharing my experience over the last 20 years of serving as a mediator and corporate conflict resolution specialist. Perhaps there is a macro lesson for the country?

When resolving conflict here are my process steps:

  1. I first meet with each person separately and remind them to stop with the personal attacks and name calling. It will not help to resolve the conflict.  Focus on the issue at hand and use specific examples of what’s not working and what change you need to see.  Keep the language neutral and objective.  You can criticize behaviors but not the person.
  2. Control your emotions. An angry person or a person in tears is not someone who has improved their odds of completing a successful conflict resolution session.  To be clear, people have every right to feel the way they do but it won’t help them in resolving conflict.  The more emotion you show in a conflict resolution session the more likely it is that you will trigger the other person’s emotions and then its right back to square one.
  3. The final step is to get both parties together to lay out their complaints using the neutral, specific, objective language with clear behavioral objectives. The three of us then discuss whether or not the changes are doable.  If both parties feel they can make the change then we go back to HR with our written solution signed by both parties.  However, many times both parties agree that the changes will be too hard and we look for a different solution (maybe one goes to a different department.)

That’s it.  Once the emotions are stripped away you are left with practical solutions and choices.

It is worth noting that many, many times when people sit down in these situations they don’t leave the session agreeing with the other person.  But they realize the name calling and emotional outbursts are going to make it harder to resolve the conflict.

Lastly, after 20 years of listening to people and their stories you quickly realize that judging other people is an exercise in moral relativity.  There is no absolute right answer. People do the best they can and often times their efforts come up woefully short and even cause significant damage, but when viewed  in the context of their life you understand why they behave the way they do and are left humbled by the experience.  I am not sure I could have done any better in their shoes.

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Will Power is a Myth

I have been saying for years that will power is a random setting in your body driven by genetics similar to your height or eye color. It has absolutely no bearing on your integrity (whatever that is) or character.   Here is an interesting article furthering that discussion.  Give it a read you might find yourself with a little more motivational energy today because you did!

http://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2016/11/3/13486940/self-control-psychology-myth

 

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A Day in the Life of a Personality Trait

If you are reading this blog then you know about my contention that the majority of our success and/or failures with others comes from the alignment of our innate personality traits.  Today’s case in point:

I thrive on appreciation and my wife loves efficiency (she did not marry well).  Today my mercurial nature briefly coalesced around the desire to take out the recycling bin, so I did. Upon entering the house I declared that she no longer had to worry about taking out the recycling bin since I had dispatched with that tedious task.

I paused and awaited for my well earned accolades to begin flowing from my wife’s mouth but to my dismay I heard the following, “You should wait till tonight because there is more recycling that has to go out after dinner and now we will have to make an extra trip.” (Author’s note – when she says “We” she means me.)

One trait values effort the other efficiency and no amount of therapy or medication will change that.

This is how personality theory plays out in the real world countless times during the day.   Can you find it in your house?  Better to see it and laugh vs. make it personal and get angry.

 

 

 

 

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Parenting

Interesting book review, Mom and Dad Chill Out, from two anthropologists who studied  varied cultural norms of child rearing from around the globe .  A quote from the book, “The expert advice that parents attend to has grossly exaggerated the influence of parenting on child development.”

Here is the review from today’s Wall Street Journal.

http://www.wsj.com/articles/mom-and-dad-chill-out-1472684934

 

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